Day of the Endorphin
by
Richard Zwicker
I was working in my low rent
office on a bank embezzlement case, wading through employee files when, not
surprisingly, I found myself thinking about money. I wanted it, I needed it,
and there was no way I’d ever get much of it. That made me sad because in this
case, two out of three was bad. If only we didn’t need money, but then we
wouldn’t need banks, and I wouldn’t have a case. But I wouldn’t need a case,
because I wouldn’t need money. Such were my musings when I heard an ominous
click. Mayor Davidson’s pretty-boy face filled my vidscreen as he flashed his
pearly whites, the dental equivalent of white picket fences. I turned off the
volume, which returned automatically.
“My
fellow citizens,” Davidson intoned. “We live in one of the richest countries in
the world. Millions of people from every continent would sacrifice everything
to change places with us. Yet, I look around, and I see harried, unhappy men
and women. When you elected me, I ran on a platform of change.”
I tried
to remember the last politician that hadn’t run on that. Even incumbents ran on
change.
“I am
a man of my word,” he continued, “but words are cheap unless accompanied by
deeds. For that reason tonight and for the next three weeks I will be spraying
our city with a miracle we call ENDO-B. ENDO-B will exponentially increase our
bodies’ production of endorphins, making us happier and allowing us to
appreciate the riches we have.”
“What
the hell…” I muttered.
“Exhaustive
tests have confirmed the safety of ENDO-B. Tomorrow morning you will feel its
effects: increased energy, enthusiasm, and general good will. For three weeks
an invisible electro-magnetic force field on the perimeter of the city, which
you won’t even notice, will hold in the augmented air. I have taken this step
because you demanded action. In three weeks you will vote whether or not to
continue the experiment. Thank you for your support. Happy days and nights will
be here again.”
I
rushed into reception to talk to Kristen, my assistant. Her stylish, closely
coiffed head was turned to her vidscreen.
“Did
you hear that?” I asked, thinking maybe government was getting out of control.
“I
think it’s wonderful,” she smiled winningly. “We wanted action, and we’re
getting it.”
“The
question is what ‘it’ is.”
“That’s
not a question,” she said, flicking off the vidscreen. “He said we’re getting
more endorphins. That might not be so bad. My boyfriend jogs five miles a day
to get those.”
“What
if everyone suddenly becomes so happy they stop committing crimes? What will I
pay our bills with?
She
shrugged. “It’ll be the same for everyone. We’ll work it out.”
I
nodded. Kristen possessed a positive, bouncy personality already. A few more
endorphins might make her unbearable. As I wasn’t getting anywhere with the
embezzlement case, I exercised my constitutional right of sending Davidson a vidmail.
I ranted about the liberties he was taking with his constituents and warned that
even if this did work, his political enemies would excoriate him for subjecting
everyone to a drug. Before signing it “Tom Larkin, P.I.”, I added there was
more to life than being happy. I wasn’t sure that was true, but saying it made
me a little less unhappy.
***
I
woke up the next morning as I always did, with my alarm clock launching a
flying drop kick to my head, literally. Yelping, I grabbed its sprouted booted
leg, twisted it to the floor, and held it down for the mandatory ten-count.
Kristen thinks I should get a less invasive wake-up method, but it’s the only
thing that reliably gets me out of bed. To date, the only problem occurred one
night when my back was bothering me and rather than turning over the mattress,
I lay with my head at the foot of the bed. I slept like a rock, but in the
morning the alarm clock kicked me in the nuts.
This morning, after replacing the alarm
clock on my nightstand, I realized something was different. Though the darkness
outside my window promised a gray, cloudy day, I felt the sun rising in my soul.
I felt like Helios holding back the horses of the sun chariot. I leapt on top
of my mattress and belted out, “I feeeeeeeel good!”
I
banged my head on the ceiling. And I still felt good.
I
jumped into the shower, reveling in the transforming powers of each drop. I was
cleaner, purer, closer to God, yet I didn’t feel the need to confess. For the
first time in years I could remember whether or not I’d used my hair
conditioner.
After
drying, I found myself too exhilarated to eat my shredded wheat. I did something
else I normally wouldn’t have done this early in the morning: called Kristen.
“Kristen,
do you feel it?”
“Oh
Tom, I do,” she gushed. “I made a pot of coffee, and then I thought, what do I
need this for?”
“I
know exactly what you mean. I stood in the shower and the water rained down on
me, and I wanted to take a shower with you. I wanted to take a shower with
Mayor Davidson.”
“That’s
disturbing.”
“It
should be, but it isn’t!”
“Where’s
it going to end?”
I
sighed, visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. “Maybe it won’t.”
The
before and after ENDO-B contrast continued on the subway. Normally, my commute
featured all the joy of a cattle car on route to a slaughterhouse. Today,
complete strangers hugged me as if I were a major character in a 19th
century Russian novel. I must have told ten people, “Let’s do dinner sometime.”
I cried at the emotional depth I detected in the computer-generated voice
announcing the next stops.
As I
entered my office, Kristen and I beamed smiles that could have lit the darkness
of the most misguided soul.
“Kristen,”
I said, unbuttoning my jacket. “Today is the day I solve the Cushing Bank
embezzlement case.
“Correction.
Today is the day it solves itself.” She pointed to a dumpy-looking man in a
damp raincoat, sitting in reception. “That’s Bob Gingrass, CEO of Lafayette
Savings and Loan.”
Gingrass
stood up and offered his hand, which I took heartily. “Mr. Larkin, I turned
myself into the police an hour ago, but they told me to go home and just pay
the money back when I could. When I learned you were on the case and it might
be hours before you heard the news, I came right over.”
“Well,
that’s what I call ‘going beyond the call of duty,’ Mr. Gingrass. Can I call you
Bob?”
“I
insist.” And we smothered each other
with good vibes.
My
other open case ended in a similar fashion. I’d collected enough evidence on a
cheating husband to start my own skin zine, but the wife dropped the case. Her
husband had confessed to everything and promised not to do it again. When it
was discovered that the lover had no one else in her life, the wife suggested
perhaps an arrangement could be made on alternate Thursdays.
This
ritual of criminals turning themselves in and being forgiven repeated itself ad
nauseam, sending the mayor’s popularity through the roof. Before the spraying,
his approval rating hovered around thirty-five percent. ENDO-B forced pollsters
to create different questions. Eighteen percent of the city now wanted him to
marry their daughters, and five percent their sons. I was happy, but if this
continued, the only thing left for me to investigate would be my navel.
Before it came to that, however,
I got an unexpected call from Mayor Davidson himself. Someone had kidnapped his
19-year-old son.
***
Entering Davidson’s office I
checked out the so-called ENDO-B inner circle. Davidson, dressed casually in
jeans and a button shirt pushed out slightly by a round belly, sat at the head
of a rectangular table. His smile added lines around his eyes, making him look
older than on the vids. Lila Frobisch, the chief of staff, sat stolidly to his
left. Middle-aged like myself, she imprisoned her faded blonde hair in a bun. A
twinkle in her eyes contrasted with a hardened manner I’d heard could wither an
off-color joke at a hundred feet. Across from her sat Tyler Kurtz, the inventor,
in a gray suit and red tie. He nodded affably to me, his lower mouth and jaw
jutting out, giving his face the appearance of an upside-down soup ladle.
“Detective
Larkin, how are you today?” Davidson asked, standing to shake my hand.
“Right
as rain,” I said, my tolerance of cliches at unprecedented levels.
“I’m
sorry to throw cold water in your face, but I got a vid-call this morning
demanding I transfer a million dollars into a Granada
“April
21st?” It was about two and a half weeks away. “Why does that date
ring a bell?”
“It’s
the day we vote on the ENDO-B experiment,” Lila said.
“Right.”
I pushed images of romping puppies out of my head to make room for the mayor’s
problem. “The kidnapper might think it’ll be easier to get a ransom out of you
while you’re still feeling good. When did you first notice him missing?”
Davidson
winced. “Not until I heard from the kidnapper.
Tanner lives in a dorm at the city college. His professors told me he’s
been absent all week.” Today was Thursday.
“Does
he usually miss classes?”
“No, I’ve
often told him how much each one costs me.”
“So
he might have been kidnapped on Monday, or over the weekend.” Davidson had
announced his mass spraying on Monday. “If the kidnapper was hoping to take
advantage of ENDO-B, he knew about it before you announced it. Who had prior
knowledge of the dates, besides you?”
“You’re
looking at them.”
“I
see.” I folded my arms.
“Mr.
Larkin,” Lila said, “If we’d had anything to do with Tanner’s disappearance, we
would have confessed by now. Surely, you’ve noticed that effect of the drug.”
I
turned to the inventor, who throughout the meeting had looked as earnest as a
defecating cocker spaniel. “Is it possible to conceal a major crime under the
effects of ENDO-B?”
Kurtz
sat up abruptly, as if wrenched from a faraway place and tossed into the center
of a Roman arena. “It’s hard to say. This is the first time it’s been widely
dispensed.”
“But it’s
been thoroughly tested,” I said.
“Not
only that,” Davidson added, “but Mr. Kurtz provided a mountain of data on the
drug.”
I
turned doubtfully at Kurtz. “How long have you been working in the
pharmaceutical field?” He looked at me as if I’d asked him for the hypotenuse
of the Bermuda Triangle. “With drugs,” I added.
“Oh,
some time. I hesitate to assign an actual number.” And true to his word, he did
hesitate.
“Did
any of you have anything to do with the kidnapping of Tanner Davidson?” I asked
pointedly.
All three denied
involvement.
“OK,”
I said. “Did Tanner crave attention?”
Davidson
shook his head. “He liked the freedom of living away from home.”
He
also lived in the city, susceptible to the drug’s truth-telling powers. Still,
he wouldn’t be the first rich kid to stage his own kidnapping.
“Mayor
Davidson, I’ll take the case,” I said finally. “I have to say, however, I’m
surprised you chose me. I recently sent you a negative vidmail.”
Davidson
leaned forward. “That’s why I chose you, Mr. Larkin. You speak your mind.
ENDO-B has turned most of us into laid back weenies. I need someone who can cut
through the touchy-feely haze and find my son.”
“Why
don’t you just stop the ENDO-B early?”
He
looked at me as if I suggested we play catch the toaster oven in the swimming
pool. “And ruin my approval rating?”
After
the meeting I spoke candidly with Davidson and Lila. “If Tyler Kurtz invented
ENDO-B, I’m the illegitimate child of my dentist and the tooth fairy,” I said,
remembering the line from my pre-ENDO-B days. “Where did you find him?
Davidson
smiled weakly. “Kurtz came to me, guaranteeing he had a drug that could make
everybody happy. I was worried about my approval rating, so I let him work with
my scientists. There was a clumsy leak, and I was about to fire everyone, when
I noticed…everyone was happy.”
“We
had our doubts about Kurtz,” Lila continued. “He works as a custodian at Kennedy High School
“He
seems sincere,” I said.
“And
he insists he invented ENDO-B. If he didn’t, why would the real inventor let
him take credit for it?” Davidson asked.
That
was what I wanted to find out. I asked Davidson if he could get permission to
tap Kurtz’s phone. He nodded, saying he had a judge in each pocket.
In
the meantime I visited Tanner’s college roommate. He didn’t seem concerned
about Tanner, and I had a tough time wresting him from his digital Ouija board.
He said Tanner went to church Sunday morning and never returned, but he
couldn’t imagine his captors hurting him. He also confirmed that Tanner got
along with his father and would never fake a kidnapping. I let him get back to
his board.
***
That
night I sat in my apartment watching an old Kyle Wallicker movie, getting in
touch with my feminine self, when I heard three knocks on my door. Who could
that be, I wondered. I’d already given copies of my key to all my neighbors. I
opened the door and saw a tall, thin man wearing an oxygen mask. He leveled a
revolver at my face.
“Do
what I say and you won’t get hurt,” he commanded.
I
stood dumbfounded, as if someone had said to me, “Tomorrow is NOT the first day
of the rest of your life.” I offered the assailant what, at the time, I thought
my most precious gift, a look of pity. He didn’t place the same value on it,
however, instead placing his fist into my solar plexus. I doubled over.
“You’re
misguided,” I gasped.
“No,
that’s where I meant to hit you.” He stared blankly at me in his oxygen mask.
“Do you have anything valuable in here?”
I
looked around. “Your best bet is the vidscreen. I got it on sale, but you could
probably get five hundred bucks for it. It’s 130 inches, 3-D.”
He
stuck his head in the living room. “It looks pretty awkward to carry.”
I
waved my hand dismissively. “I’ll help you.”
We
carried it out to his car, a late model blue Vivron. Out of habit I looked for the license plate,
but he’d taken that off, not that I was going to report him. I had two smaller
vidscreens, plus my e-reader. If I didn’t feel like reading, I could always
look out my window and hum, “What a wonderful world.” That turned out hard to
do, however, because before I could get to the chorus, I kept getting
interrupted. The next four nights, oxygen-masked thieves robbed me. On
Wednesday two thieves came at the same time. I told one to come back in an
hour.
By
week’s end I was pretty much cleaned out of “rob-able” items. Nobody wants
second-hand furniture anymore. I told one heavy-set man I could sign over my lease,
but he rightly noted that could be traced.
Sitting
in my purged apartment, I felt anxiety about the possible end of ENDO-B. Though
tired of getting robbed, I no longer had to worry about money. Strangers,
deeming me insufficiently cheerful, pressed bills into my hand. Panhandlers stopped me on the streets and
said, “Hey, I can spare some change for a cup of coffee. Why don’t you go get
one?” The world was upside-down and I wasn’t sure I wanted it righted.
A
talk with Davidson’s scientists revealed only that they shared my low opinion
of Kurtz’s scientific ability. As for the phone tap, no one called Kurtz except
telemarketers. Several times I nearly broke in and said, “I’ll buy that
satellite dish!” before I remembered I was working a case.
Trying to force the issue, we
told Kurtz we’d pay the ransom in full the day of the deadline. I hoped Kurtz
would relay that information to someone.
He
didn’t.
I
next had Davidson tell Kurtz to be ready to double his production of the drug,
in case the public decided to continue the experiment.
That
night Kurtz left a message on a cell we traced to someone named Jock Strap. I
can’t tell you how relieved I was when we found out that was a fake name. An
hour later, Kurtz received a real call.
“Why
did you call me?” a crusty voice asked.
“Mayor
Davidson told me I may need to increase production of ENDO-B and I’m not sure I
can do it by myself.”
“Let
me worry about that. Any other problems?”
“No.
I’m working on another drug that makes people smarter.”
“Good
luck with that,” the voice said drily.
The
wire got me the caller’s number and address. He lived in Four Towers
As I
drove out of the city, beyond ENDO-B’s cloud of good will, I felt my natural
sarcasm reasserting itself. Stuck behind a slow moving Monarch, I yelled, “Hey,
what do you think you are, the king of the road or something?” A political ad
about extending term limits for senators came on my radio. I clicked it off,
saying, “Extend this, buddy.” I felt the urge to take a hit of my spray gun,
but I figured for this job, I needed a clear head and an under-achieving
pituitary gland.
Another
thing wearing off was my confidence. What was I thinking, going after this guy
by myself? I called Davidson and asked for backup.
My
smart car led me to a quiet housing development off the main road. Nabors lived
in an innocent-looking ranch house, a late model Sedna in his driveway. The
flickering light of his widescreen provided the only interior light. The
intelligent thing would have been to wait, but with ENDO-B controlling the
city, Davidson might have trouble rousing a squad car. I walked to the door and
pressed the bell. A bright light blinded me, followed by the uniform barks of a
mechanical dog.
“What
do you want?” a familiar crusty voice asked, not improved by electrical
amplification.
“I’d
like to talk to Justin Nabors.”
The
mechanical dog gave it a rest and the door opened by itself. Before I could advance,
Nabors appeared, a crowbar dangling from his right hand.
Wearing
a bushy gray beard, long thinning hair, and an ear-to-ear scowl, Nabors looked
more like the inventor of hemorrhoids than ENDO-B.
I
motioned to the crowbar. “Changing a tire?”
“I
was thinking about it. You’re not selling anything, are you?”
He had
a couple of inches on my six-foot frame, and his wiry biceps stuck out of his
short sleeves. My alarm clock wouldn’t have a chance against him. I couldn’t
back down now though. “No, I’d like to ask you about Tanner Davidson.”
He
stared back stone-faced. “Never heard of him.”
“Really? What about Tyler Kurtz?”
“Sorry.”
I
nodded. “So am I, because a couple of hours ago he made a call we traced to
this house.”
“Oh,
that Tyler Kurtz,” he said, his facial muscles loosening while his grip
tightened around the crowbar. Before he could raise it, however, I pulled out
my ENDO-B and blasted him in the face. He dropped the crowbar and staggered. I
pressed the trigger for a second blast, but he blocked it with his catcher’s
mitt of a hand, then clamped onto the nozzle. We struggled, his weight pushing
me against the wall. I lurched under his arms, firing the ENDO-B scattershot, sometimes
nailing him, other times splattering me. Our skirmish slowly evolved from a
violent clash to a deliberate tango. Eventually, we had our arms around each
other like the winning participants of a dance marathon.
“I
kidnapped him. He’s in the basement,” Nabors confessed, his crusty voice now
lubricated with remorse.
“Why
did you do it, Justin?”
Nabors
thought for a moment, then said, “Because I love money!”
“Me
too!” I effused.
“I
took advantage of the mayor’s progressive agenda. To protect myself, I hired
Tyler Kurtz and made him think he had invented ENDO-B.”
I
gave him an affectionate squeeze. “It’s OK.”
Without
letting go of each other, we promenaded into the house. Nabors fished a key
from his pants pocket and unlocked the basement door. A weary but alive Tanner
Davidson came up the stairs. Two uniformed cops rolled into the driveway, too
late for the capture but useful nonetheless. With my hands locked around
Nabors, I was unable to drive my car back into the city. One of the cops drove while we sat in the
back seat. Nabors went into confessional mode, telling us how he’d been brought
up by blissed-out hippies who’d sent him to a laid back school with no rules. He
hated every minute of it. Another of his motives in developing ENDO-B was to show
everyone that being loosey-goosy all the time wasn’t the answer. I vaguely
remember saying, “I feel your pain,” and when I think back on that endless
narrative, I still feel it.
***
The
three weeks passed, and as promised, Mayor Davidson held the special referendum
vote on ENDO-B. Despite his popularity, however, he decided he’d had enough of the
drug, so he leaked that scientists had detected several side effects. These included
loss of eyebrows, body odor replicating the scent of dirty motor oil, and
erections lasting up to three years. I doubt any of these were true and he
probably had to travel outside the city limits to come up with them. The scare
tactics worked, as the ENDO-B experiment was voted down handily.
There
remained the question of what to do about all the stolen property, as Nabors
had been behind only a fraction of the robberies. The discredited Kurtz
suggested we spray the entire world until everything was returned. The mayor,
his patience gone, suggested Kurtz go screw himself. The loss of our material
possessions ended up being the hangover of Davidson’s grand experiment. Some of
us were lucky enough to get through it with hefty checks from insurance
companies.
As
for Nabors, he ended up getting a ten-year sentence at the city jail, no doubt
wishing he’d never heard of ENDO-B, but on the other hand, wishing someone
would smuggle in a decade’s supply for his cellmates.
A few
days after the trial, I walked into the office and noticed a sparkle on
Kristen’s finger. “Is that an engagement ring?”
“Yes!”
She beamed. “In two months Tommy’s going to make an honest woman out of me.”
“Congratulations.”
Her
smile faded when she noticed my face. “Is that a black eye?”
I
waved my hand dismissively. “Damned alarm clock.”
“I
told you to get rid of that thing. What a crazy idea, starting every day with a
conflict.”
I put
my hand on her shoulder. “Kristen, I don’t expect you to understand this
because you’re naturally positive. It gets you results, and I admire that. But
everything I am, I owe to conflict.” Not only that, but with short cuts like ENDO-B,
you could end up in the arms of someone who called himself Jock Strap.
I think this story is extremely funny and creative. Good work.
ReplyDelete