Davy Carren

A Phone Call

Fiction by Davy Carren

--Suicide hotline.

--Um…Hi. This is Geronimo. I want to die.

--I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that. You…

--I want to throw myself out of a high window.

--Oh. No. I got that. Your name was unclear. You mumbled or something.

--Um. Is that really important?

--Well, you see, we try to establish a good connection, a contact point with our clients, and that always starts with a name. You see, once you give a name to…

--Your clients?

--Well. I mean. Sorry. It was just a manner of speaking…

--Geronimo. My name is Geronimo.

--Well. That sounds made up. But that’s okay. A lot of our clients…I mean, well, suicide contemplators, well, they use made-up names a lot. That’s okay. We are very used to that.

--Why do you keep saying we? Am I on speakerphone?

--Oh no. We…I mean I’m just using a synecdoche.

--A what?

--It’s not important.

--Thank God.

--Oh. So are you a religious person? Do you pray?

--I’ve been known to on occasion, but my heart’s not really in it. I don’t see how any of this is relevant to my…

--To your situation? Well, Geronimo…you just let me worry about that, okay? Don’t start in telling me my business. I know what I’m doing here, okay?

--Jesus. This is some rigmarole. You do remember that I am right now contemplating hurling myself onto concrete from a very high place, right?

--Well, we just like to get the lay of the land, so to speak, you know? It’s just procedural stuff. Need to kind of fill in the blanks, you know?

--No. I don’t.

--Well, anyway, let’s get this getting-to-know-you chitchat out of the way and then we’ll move on, alright Geronimo?

--Um…

--Okay. So, do you self medicate?

--Do I what?

--Are there any, let us say illicit substances, that you partake in to give credence to your moods?

--Are you talking about CCR?

--No. Um. Well, let’s just skip over that one, and I’ll assume that you’re a straight shooter as far as all that goes.

--Fine with me.

--Okay, okay…um…okay. Here we go. So, would you consider yourself to be curious?

--I guess.

--So you have a curious nature. Good. That helps. What sort of things are you curious about?

--I’m a bit curious why I’m still on the phone with you.

--Ha. A joke. You’re being humorous. That’s a good sign. See, we’re already getting you on the right track.

--Not so sure about…

--Now. So. Let me just get down to brass tacks here.

--Not going to stop you.

--Good. So now I’ve got to kind of…what is it? Oh yeah, get to the meat and potatoes of your mental state. Would you consider yourself to be in a torpid frame of mind?

--A torp what?

--Um. Wait. Hold on a sec. Oh yeah. So, is your mind kind of shrouded in fog? Do you feel unclear, fuzzy, lint-headed? When you think about things does it all seem a kind of jumbled blur? That kind of thing.

--Right now while I’m talking to you? Definitely.

--Okay. Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.

--We are?

--So. Now that I’ve got your state of mind pegged, let’s start in on some more emotional type stuff, if we may.

--At this point…

--Are you experiencing any pangs of conscience? Any stabs into the drowsy world of your confusion? Any churning of thoughts that don’t seem to go anywhere except back and forth? Do you find it difficult to urinate standing up?

--Sometimes.

--What’s the frequency?

--More often than not.

--Hmm. I might need a specific there. You got any specifics, Geronimo?

--I get scared at night. The sound of the house creaking makes me shiver. My hands shake. Sometimes I wonder about golf balls.

--Interesting. So, which one of these sentences would you say best describes your fear: #1: “I am not hungry for new beginnings.” #2: “Loafing has become my most salient feature.” #3: “Lord, lord, lord, I am so miserably tired, and I can’t ever for the goddamn life of me ever, ever get a good night’s sleep.” #4: “Somebody else is holding the keys to my happiness, and I want to change the locks but I’m too scared to scram.” #5: “I am not as lucky as a fire hydrant.” #6: “My choices always come down to the lesser of evils.” #7: “I’ll have a steak sandwich and a steak sandwich.” #8: “I swat at flies but I never hit them.” Or, lastly but not leastly, #9: “I am a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas, sort of.”

--Is there a none of the above option?

--Um. No. I’m not seeing that here. Let me check…um, hold on a sec.

--I’m holding.

--No. I think you can choose more than one, but you’ve got to choose at least one.

--Can I say all of the above?

--That should be fine. Yeah. That seems suitable. Good. Now we’ve got that out of the way. Wow. We’re really making tracks, huh? Oh, and also, shit…I forgot. I was supposed to say this to you: You’re doing great (say patient’s name here)! You are really hanging in there buddy! Good job. I am so proud of you (say patient’s name)!

--I thought I was a client.

--Well, well. What a memory you’ve got on you, Geronimo. Sorry. That was my gaffe. I think I’m supposed to be calling you buddy. I don’t think it’s too important though. I can call you whatever you’d like. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.

--Some people call me Ger. Sometimes I get Mo, too.

--Ha. That’s good. Nicknames are supposed to work well when dealing with you types. 

--You types?

--Yeah. Well, I mean potential suicides. You are still contemplating that action, right?

--That is one thing that hasn’t changed during this conversation.

--Good. Then we can move right along, Gerry boy. 

--Thank God.

--Ah. See? There it is. That God thing again. You must be a very spiritual person Ger-Ger. You must believe in a divine purpose for your existence, isn’t that right Ger Bear?

--Are you asking me if I want to be God?

--Depends. Do you?

--Sometimes. Maybe early in the morning when the sun’s licking my toes and the sweat’s still wet on my sheets and the wind is doing its best standup routine.

--So now I’ve got some more questions for you. Here goes. Please be as honest as possible, and answer quickly. Time is supposed to be of the essence.

--Will do.

--Good. Now. The gears of your mind, would you consider them to be rusty?

--More like clogged. Like the drain of my mind is clogged.

--Do you have to watch TV while you eat?

--I believe so.

--Are there any personal grooming idiosyncrasies that I should know about?

--Not that you should know about.

--How often do you brush your teeth?

--Pass.

--Okay. Then we’ll try this backup question. That’s what I’m supposed to do in these instances. How often do you masturbate?

--Damn. Can we go back to the tooth-brushing question?

--Wow. It worked. Alright. That’s exactly what you were supposed to say. Okay. How often?

--Twice daily. Morning and night. Sometimes in the afternoon, but that’s rarer.

--Does that seem like too much to you?

--We’re talking about tooth brushing, right?

--I think so.

--My dentist likes my teeth.

--Does he?

--She. Yeah. She always tells me how great my teeth look. She’s very proud of me, and she kind of seems to dote on me.

--Is her affection not requited?

--What?

--Is this a one-sided infatuation?

--There is no…hold on…what the hell are you saying? You think she likes me?

--Why not, Mo? You deserve to be liked. You are worth liking.

--I am?

--Of course. That’s what the manual says to tell you. And I just fit it in there. Pretty smooth, huh? Damn I’m good.

--Maybe you should ask for a raise.

--You know what? I think I will. That’s a damn good idea you’ve got there Gerry. Can I actually give you my boss’s phone number? I’d really appreciate it if you called him up and told him what a good job I’m doing. I’m new here, and I want to make a good impression, you know? Start off on the right foot. Get in good with the head honcho.

--Okay. I guess.

--Aw, thanks man! That’s so super cool of you.

--No prob.

--So. Now. Let’s get back on track here. What we need to do now is…wait. Hold on there. Um…okay. So, what we need to do is deconstruct your inhibitions and try to map out your worries. There is a systematic way of doing this. Let’s give it a shot, if you’re still game.

--I’m still here.

--Good. So first I am going to ask you a series of rapid-fire questions. I’m going to be peppering you. And you’ve got to respond quickly with the first thing that comes into your head. Ready?

--As I’m going to get.

--Okay. What is one thing in your life that deflates your spirits on a daily basis?

--Is it bigger than a breadbox?

--Not sure. Don’t have time to explain. Okay. Where was the last place you masturbated?

--My car.

--Was it pleasurable?

--Not really.

--When did this event occur?

--This morning.

--What kind of thoughts occurred to you during orgasm, if it was reached?

--Planes, trains, boats, and buses.

--Are you kind to strangers?

--Most of the time.

--If you were a shoe, what kind of shoe would you be?

--Converse All Star.

--Have you ever broken into someone’s home to steal a candy bar you saw in the window as you were passing by?

--Yes.

--Would you do it again?

--Probably not.

--Where do the stars go during the day?

--In the vest pocket of God’s smoking jacket.

--If time began, does that mean it’s going to one day end?

--No. It’ll end at night.

--What is your most common nightmare?

--I am running, and something or somebody is chasing me, and I’m late for something, and I need to catch a plane too, and I’m worried that my pants have a hole in the crotch and that everybody is looking at me, and then my teeth start falling out one by one, and I keep trying to catch them but I can’t because they disintegrate and turn to dust as soon as I touch them, and I’m sweating a lot, and this fat lady with a tiny purse keeps looking at me with this look of mischief on her face, and soon there is this giant crowd all around me and then it’s an army, all these soldiers in fatigues with their guns drawn, and I can’t get away because they’re circled all around me, and I want to sink into the ground and disappear.

--Who named you?

--My father.

--Who gave you your first taste of popcorn?

--A woman named Sally who was a friend of my mother.

--Was it movie popcorn?

--Yes.

--Salted?

--Yes. But not too much.

--How old were you when this event occurred?

--Nineteen.

--If you could pick anyone in the world to be your best friend, who would it be?

--You.

--Have you ever drove on a driveway or parked on a parkway or paid a toll to use a freeway?

--Yes.

--If thoughts were food, what item of food would most of your thoughts be?

--Red licorice.

--What instrument would be most suitable to deciphering your feelings?

--A scytale.

--Yesterday a man came up to me and told me to take a flying fuck. Was that man you?

--…

--Please answer. Now.

--Um. Kind of.

--That’s no kind of answer. It is not applicable to the question.

--Well. I don’t believe we are ever the same people from day to day. All is transient. All things pass. Every day we are born again. Every night we pass away in our sleep. Consciousness tries to hold us together, but we’re only this mass of chemicals firing around in a ball of dirty tangled cloth, and our thoughts are just lint gathering on top of it all, along with our experience and memories and emotions and jokes. Sometimes that lint gets to be too much, and we can’t see our way out of it, and our heads become like pea soup, all foggy and dreary. I need a lint scraper for my brain.

--You still want to take that dive out of the window, Geronimo?

--Nah. I’m going to stick around for a bit. Who knows? Things could get interesting.